How Do I Make My Essay More Descriptive?

Question by : How do i make my essay more descriptive?
A desperate, young woman gave up everything for something that could have ended her life at any given moment: crystal meth. That young woman was my older sister Laurel. My sister never really enjoyed school, so she dropped out at age sixteen. Shortly after dropping out, she went to live with her father in Ohio (we had different dads). While living there, my sister met her boyfriend, Nick, who made his money by dealing drugs. She eventually moved in with him and started using. Laurel did not only change her life, but changed me and my families’ as well.
My sister thought her life was perfect. All she cared about was meth, and when she would be able to get her next high. However; once my mom found out she was using, she immediately made her move back down to Georgia. Consequently, Laurel was sent to a rehab center for the first time. Unfortunately, she relapsed shortly after being released. On the other hand, it was very hard for her to find the drugs she wanted sometimes. Therefore, she would go days without getting high and have extreme withdrawal symptoms. I remember one night she came home from a friend’s house and told my mom she had not eaten in 3 or four days. My mom tried giving her a pack of cheese crackers and Laurel threw them in her face.

(thats what i have so far!) i need to make it more like I’m SHOWING the reader what happened not TELLING them. PLEASE HELP! xoxoxo

Best answer:

Answer by Gentoo Linux
your grammar isn’t the best and your transitions need work

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One Response to How Do I Make My Essay More Descriptive?

  • b3tZ! says:

    A desperate young woman gave up all of the luxuries she had in exchange for a wicked substance that could rip away her existence at any given moment: crystal meth. This young and once highly-functioning woman is my older sister, Laurel. My sister never really enjoyed learning and exploring in a school setting, so she dropped out of high school at age sixteen, defenseless and confused. Shortly after ending her formal education, she went to live with her father in midwestern Ohio. While living her unaccepted way of life, my sister met her boyfriend, Nick, who made his money by dealing mind-altering and life-threatening drugs to forlorn addicts . She eventually joined him in his underground drug-trafficking home and began experimenting with drugs and experiencing the utopia of being under their affects. Laurel did not only change her own diminishing existence, but altered mine and that of my family as well.
    My sister thought her life was perfectly flawless. All she cared about was getting her fix and feeling high. She had become a prisoner of her dependency. However; once my mom discovered her revolting and disturbing habits of drug abuse she immediately forced her move back home to Georgia. Consequently, Laurel was sent to a rehab center for intensive care. Unfortunately, she relapsed shortly after being released from her treatment. On the outside and out of treatment, it was difficult and sometimes impossible for her to find her drug of choice. Therefore, she would pass excruciating days without getting high and have extreme withdrawal symptoms. I clearly remember one night when she came home from a friend’s house and admitted to my mom that she had not eaten in three or four days. My mom attempted giving her a pack of cheese crackers and Laurel maliciously threw them in her face.

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